I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
