I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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