If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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