im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
