need another drink. this is the easiest way
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
