I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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