i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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