Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
