You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
