You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
