thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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