$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
