this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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