I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
