They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
