I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
