Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
