you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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