does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
