My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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