i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize