you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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