I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
