Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
