Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
