I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize