i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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