No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
