Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
