We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
