I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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