I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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