her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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