her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
