Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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