my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
