The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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