My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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