I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
