Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
high people should be assigned attendants
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Randomize
