I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my shit smells like andre
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
