The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
