she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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