Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
