i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
