Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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