Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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