last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Im part way to drunk.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
