Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize