Ambien. No doubt about it.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
