Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
