Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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