Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize