According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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