Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
