His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
