People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
