woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
