she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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