there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
