Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
