My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
