And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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