In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
