I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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