she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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