I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
