Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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