im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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