the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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