I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
There r osticjed everywhere
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
