im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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