dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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