omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
